A few months ago, I said I wanted to start writing again. To be honest, it has been on my mind for a long time now and I’m not really sure why I stopped. Maybe it was the instant gratification that Instagram is, spending too much time looking at what content I have created that day, what to do next, and shifting through DMs every other minute. Somedays I feel lost on what I’m doing here. Even though it feels like I’m doing something constructive, the time passes by way too fast staring at my phone and months go by without another blog post or “the next thing” discovered. Then other days, I just go with it and feel confident in my journey.
Today, I just write. Not with any specific topic in mind… as I thank you for so many great suggestions on what you want to read from me. They are noted in a document and I’m going to continue to use them for inspiration on what’s to come next. But for now… here I am. Writing to write and not really sure where it’ll take me.
Let’s start here. “How are you getting through this and staying so positive?”
I’m not going to sugarcoat or act like I have everything together. I don’t. I’m constantly dealing with some form of anxiety and navigating every day the best I can. I find myself to be very lucky in my situation. I have help with the girls during the day while I work and my job has allowed me to provide for myself and the girls as well as keep them in their home. I’ve got a great support system of friends and family. I’ve been actively going to therapy, months before I truly needed to, to allow myself to talk to a professional and work on my healing journey. Yet, I wouldn’t wish divorce on anyone. Not that it’s not needed for some, but it’s just A LOT to go through. No one talks about how stressful, expensive, time-consuming, and highly emotional it all is. The one person who you were once very close with, is not only becoming more and more of a stranger to you; but there are days when a normal conversation can’t even be had. It’s a long process and money talk makes everyone a little crazy. I’ll get into that on another post one of these days. Not necessarily to explain my situation, but to educate you on the process. I knew nothing going into it and even if I can help one person navigate this a little better, I’d like to try.
Going through stages
I’ve been through a few different stages the past 6 months. What a whirlwind to be honest. I lost a lot of weight at the beginning due to the high conflict and stress. I’ve lost the desire to cook elaborate meals or even for myself at all when I have the night to myself. I’m so grateful to have found the company, Eat Clean Phx…a shameless plug to the local company who FED me when I was at my lowest. I’m happy to have those particular days behind me, but there are still hard days to deal with. In July, I was able to announce my separation, take my first solo trip, and I truly felt light as a feather. It was the first time in a while that I felt so damn happy by myself. I’ve had a Stella got her groove back moment and it is everything it’s cracked up to be. When your body feels free, there’s nothing quite like it. Maybe I’ll go more into that on another day. I’ve been inspired by so many things around me that I love, unapologetically. Music, art, cinematography, self-love, poetry, my home… it’s 100% me and I’ve embraced it all through content creation. I truly feel seen by so many of you. Thank you for allowing me to express myself in so many ways.
As far as staying positive. It’s 100% for my girls. Somedays, it’s a fake it till you make it mentality and it’s okay to not be okay… but I want them to see a happy parent and feel confident in our new lives together. I’m also positive that I’m right where I need to be, so there’s no regret in my day to day. Just personally dealing with a lot at the moment. I know eventually, everything will settle as it should and be more easily managed. I can’t wait for this blog post to be something of the past and I’ll look back and go, “wow, that was hard. But you did it.”
*** I hope you read this and got a better understanding of some day-to-day feelings from someone going through a divorce. It’s heavy, emotional, and also quite liberating. Everyone’s journey is different but I hope I gave you the confidence to stand on your own if that’s something you need to do. You will get through it. Thank you for reading.