I’ve attempted to write this a few times today yet haven’t found the motivation to open my computer to start. At times, I question why I so quickly choose to share so much of my life with you. The good, the bad, the awful. I notice the people who have taken photos in traumatic situations and others who share a year later or maybe not even at all. Let me mind you, I DO have certain things that I keep personal in my life- but with this situation, I found myself looking up some of the women who have shared their past stories and couldn’t help but feel at ease knowing that I wasn’t alone. My blog has also become a place of therapy for me. A place to journal my thoughts, remember the moments, and keep it all in one place to look back on.
I’ve loved having this platform for so many reasons, but even more knowing that it was helpful to someone in some way. If I could make a reader feel less alone, in any situation, than to me it’s all worth it.
Yesterday, (November 2nd) was one of the worst days of my entire life. I felt it starting to happen for days, yet tried hard to stay positive. The morning went on as normal, sharing so much with all of you about our house plans and random Instagram stories, making up for the Sunday I took off social media… my mind spinning with content. A few hours later, I could barely move laying in bed with severe cramping and bleeding. At that moment, I was experiencing a miscarriage.
Now, you must be feeling confused. The woman who had been telling you all along that she was done having children was just pregnant. In all honesty, it was just as much of a surprise to us as it is to you. We found out the day I was packing to move out of the Airbnb… and I cried. As someone who is so type A, something SO unplanned is very difficult for me to process. Yet, a few days later I warmed up to the idea (of course, its a blessing) and saw my life as a family of five. You know who didn’t cry? JJ! The man who had been SO happy with having just two kids was beyond THRILLED to know another one was on the way.
Those first couple of weeks were so difficult waiting for that first appointment to confirm the pregnancy. For those of you who don’t know, doctor’s offices typically have you wait 8-10 weeks before you come in. It was 6 when I was pregnant with Vivienne. What was now a huge red flag to me personally was my lack of pregnancy symptoms. I just thought I was lucky. I had zero nausea, a lot of energy, and no food cravings. Both past pregnancies, I wasn’t too sick but I definitely had symptoms to feel pregnant.
Now, with sharing my experience, I want to be able to include something of value to anyone who may be going through this currently or in the future. I took to google many times and unfortunately, until you go to the doctor, you really don’t know what is going on. Every pregnancy is different; and things happen especially at the beginning that have little to no reason for worry, but you should always consult your doctor if you have any questions.
- Contact your doctor if: you are experiencing red/pink spotting or heavy bleeding, notice mucus/tissue, have mild to severe back pain, are experiencing severe cramping (past the 10-14 days after ovulation- which are called implantation cramping, similar to a period cramp)
- Spotting after sex is normal.
- 1 in 4 recognized pregnancies end in a miscarriage.
- Just because you had a miscarriage does not mean you can’t have a healthy and full-term pregnancy.
- If you think you may be experiencing these symptoms, get off of your feet, use a heating pad, and hydrate.
- If you are unable to see your doctor and your cramping is more severe than a normal period cramp and bleeding is heavy, you may need to go to the ER. Stay in touch with your doctor with how you feel.
We called our nanny to come take care of the girls and JJ drove me to the hospital. I can’t tell you how long that drive felt. Honestly, like an eternity. I drank my kid’s apple juice and laid flat wanting to scream because of the pain. We arrived at the hospital, and I don’t know if it was the reality of being there, not knowing… yet kind of knowing what was happening, or actual symptoms, but my color turned pale, I started to sweat, and physically got sick as my vitals were taken. I think it’s that feeling of being in the middle… not quite getting help from doctors yet feeling it ALL in that moment. It was the absolute worst.
After fluids ran through my body, the cramping sub-sided and I felt a lot better. I was taken to have an ultrasound, which would be my first in this pregnancy, and the tech told me that I needed have it done on top of my stomach as well as vaginally since he couldn’t see a baby when doing it on top to start. I remember laying there listening hard for a heartbeat and being confused with my own many times. I had high hopes that the baby would appear or I’d hear that fast heartbeat I so often remember with the girls. I got nothing and no comments or feedback from the tech. I was wheeled back to our room as JJ waited patiently, and we both looked at each other, with no actual answer to say any words. All I could do was cry. It took a little over an hour for the doctor to come in to tell us the news. She explained that it wasn’t my fault, how common this actually is, and how it doesn’t mean I couldn’t have a healthy pregnancy in the future. We were devastated. I was guessing to be about 7-8 weeks but no one could tell since we never had an ultrasound (and the baby could have passed weeks ago for all we knew).
The next couple of days were a blur. Tuesday, I laid in bed, crying and bleeding and feeling incredibly defeated. The bleeding was heavy and a few times clots came out in the toilet, which made me feel so sick to stomach. Not knowing if it was the actual miscarriage or tissue coming out. On Wednesday, I managed to bring myself to the doctor to have my HCG levels tested, making sure they were going down as they should (I was tested on Monday and it was 15000 and Wednesday was 3000. This last Wednesday, it was 131). Which is what you want to see when tested. My doctor said my body was progressing very well back to normal. The goal is getting back down to zero and having one solid menstrual cycle before starting to try again for a baby. If you do it too soon, and get pregnant, you are at a higher risk of having another miscarriage.
I feel like when you go through something so traumatic, you just see the beauty in the people who surround you. I never felt more supported and comforted by family and friends. So, thank you all who knew what happened, checked in on me many times, sent flowers, and just made themselves THERE for me when I needed it most. I couldn’t tell you how much I appreciate it. This time around, we told people a lot quicker than we did in the past. My rule of thumb with anything sensitive that you share is tell the people in your life that you are OK with telling bad news to.
So, how am I doing today? (Nov 10) I’m okay. The emotions come in waves, but I feel a lot more stable talking about it now. Physically, I’m doing better too. Still bleeding, but it looks more like “brown spotting” at this stage. I think the hardest part for me currently, are the exciting plans that so quickly went out the door with absolutely nothing I could do about it. I was SO excited to tell you all the news. I thought about how I would do it and it brought me so much joy brainstorming different ideas for the year in general. It was probably going to be our Christmas card, which makes me sad doing something else. My family is coming in town on Christmas, so I would finally get to do a gender reveal with them, and just truthfully… be pregnant again. You all know how much I love being pregnant. On the flip side, it wasn’t planned, so there was a sense of hurry in all of it that made me anxious. We have so much to do in our house and I couldn’t imagine having to move Alice in Vivienne’s room (with her room needing to get done too) by June/July. It felt very rushed, yet… like so many people in the world, you just make it work. I was ready to make it work. I also gave away ALL my baby stuff not long ago. Like ALL OF IT…
Lastly, JJ and I actually did talk about having another baby recently. When Alice turned two, I shared how I had baby fever and the fever was real. I talked to JJ about it a few times and he got on my level. We decided to get house renovations done, have his new business launch (shameless plug) and re-evaluate our plans in a few months. Two months later, the plan was chosen for us. Since getting pregnant and going through the miscarriage, it truly solidified how we felt for the next steps for our family.
I want to thank you for reading this post. When I started it the day after I was in the hospital, I didn’t know if I would share it. As it’s gotten easier for me to discuss, I only hope it helps someone else in the future. I am so sorry for anyone who has gone through this, is currently going through it, or will in the future. Please know that you are not alone!
*Also a quick note to remember. You don’t know what someone else may be silently going through… so be kind, judge less, and let’s try to keep the internet positive. Regardless of what’s going on in the world.